"Want to go to bed with me? I'm HIV Positive"
by Peter Brook, Founder of BeOneCity
While you are single, you are going to be faced with this problem: How do I tell someone that I am dating or “hooking-up” with that I’m HIV-positive? It's not easy to do, but as you get more comfortable with your HIV status telling people becomes less of a big deal too.
I remember when I first became positive, I thought I would never date again. The idea of disclosing my status seemed so scary. I was ashamed and afraid. I could not admit it to myself, let alone anyone else. So I either did not date, or tried to seek out places where I could find other HIV positive guys to date. Sometimes, I didn’t even tell the people I was dating and having sex with at all.
At that stage, having BeOneCity would have been great. Knowing that there was a place where all my potential dates and hook-ups are HIV positive would have been a tremendous relief. I love that BeOneCity is a bunch of people who are out as positive and who get me. I don’t have to worry about disclosure or the legal ramifications of not telling someone my status. I don’t have to face any concerns about being rejected or diminished by someone being less than comfortable with me because I am positive. This is a liberating thing.
However, I do not choose to date only HIV positive men and that means that I have to consider the best moment to tell them of my status and how to play it so that everyone is happy and feels safe and good. I've discovered that each situation is different. Usually, I have a rule that if they ask, I will try my best to be completely honest with them – but granted, this takes some balls and some level of honesty and a sense of comfort with yourself and HIV. And there are times when reaching for this sort of honesty, it is sadly or annoyingly elusive to me - even as the founder of an HIV website. Sometimes I feel really comfortable about telling the person pretty much as soon as I meet them. Other times, when I am unsure if we will make it to date two, unsure if they are right for me, or too nervous about making a good impression, I have held back telling them I’m positive. Sometimes I want to charm the hell out of them because I really do like them before I hit them with what might seem like my “negative” traits – and I have plenty of those imperfections – but being HIV positive is one of my unchosen flaws. It might be something I want to keep to myself for a while. I long for the day when being positive is benign and when it will not affect anyone, but until then it does have some negative aspects to it.
There is no right answer to this situation but if you are going to have sex, then common sense and my experience suggests several things to consider:
*If you want something more significant with them, and they are going to be right for you, telling them up front won’t stop the relationship from happening and they will respect you for having been courageously honest with them right away. If they reject you for your HIV status then any long-term thing is not going to work anyway –so get over them and move on. They are either not worthy of someone as great as you or at the very least, they are not as cool as they hopefully will be someday. You need someone who is cool with you now. Don’t beat yourself up over it or think you are worth anything less – trust me, there are lots of cool negative guys who are just fine with having hot, fun, wild, sex with positive guys and who are so comfortable with it that being safe does not impact their enjoyment of either you or the sex they are having with you.
*If you don’t want something significant with them and plan on never seeing them again (and if this suggests to you that discussing HIV is not in the cards), you should remember that they are still people and should be treated with respect. This means: choose to have safe sex with them. Silently protect them if you are not willing to talk about your status or if you choose to deny that you are positive (which many of us have done out of shame or fear). You will feel a lot better about yourself and about what you have done for them if you take the high road and play it safe – use a condom and have them use a condom. Not doing so leaves you at legal risk and leaves them vulnerable.
*Try to have a significant conversation about your status with them no matter how insignificant the sex might seem to be. It is too easy, without the conversation for both of you to assume the other is positive or negative. It will help both you, and them, come to terms with HIV and to be less judgmental about it. Possibly, they are positive too and in a similar position.
*In general, I like to tell them sooner rather than later – So these days, I put it in all my profiles “I’m positive” and it weeds out the men from the boys for me right away. If I meet them out, I like to tell them before they ask about it – I think that makes me better for it and lends respect to me and to the situation. I try to do that before we head to the bedroom since getting it out of the way earlier can stop any buzz kill from having to have such a conversation just when the action is starting. That pause and re-group in the bedroom can be a bit of a hotness deflater.
I hope this helps you all out a bit in your how to date/hook-up when positive. Here are some other articles that might be good for you to check out:
Peter Brook is the founder of BeOneCity.com - an international relationship/dating site, outsmarting HIV and promoting a global positive community. Peter lives in LA.
by Peter Brook, Founder of BeOneCity
While you are single, you are going to be faced with this problem: How do I tell someone that I am dating or “hooking-up” with that I’m HIV-positive? It's not easy to do, but as you get more comfortable with your HIV status telling people becomes less of a big deal too.
I remember when I first became positive, I thought I would never date again. The idea of disclosing my status seemed so scary. I was ashamed and afraid. I could not admit it to myself, let alone anyone else. So I either did not date, or tried to seek out places where I could find other HIV positive guys to date. Sometimes, I didn’t even tell the people I was dating and having sex with at all.
At that stage, having BeOneCity would have been great. Knowing that there was a place where all my potential dates and hook-ups are HIV positive would have been a tremendous relief. I love that BeOneCity is a bunch of people who are out as positive and who get me. I don’t have to worry about disclosure or the legal ramifications of not telling someone my status. I don’t have to face any concerns about being rejected or diminished by someone being less than comfortable with me because I am positive. This is a liberating thing.
However, I do not choose to date only HIV positive men and that means that I have to consider the best moment to tell them of my status and how to play it so that everyone is happy and feels safe and good. I've discovered that each situation is different. Usually, I have a rule that if they ask, I will try my best to be completely honest with them – but granted, this takes some balls and some level of honesty and a sense of comfort with yourself and HIV. And there are times when reaching for this sort of honesty, it is sadly or annoyingly elusive to me - even as the founder of an HIV website. Sometimes I feel really comfortable about telling the person pretty much as soon as I meet them. Other times, when I am unsure if we will make it to date two, unsure if they are right for me, or too nervous about making a good impression, I have held back telling them I’m positive. Sometimes I want to charm the hell out of them because I really do like them before I hit them with what might seem like my “negative” traits – and I have plenty of those imperfections – but being HIV positive is one of my unchosen flaws. It might be something I want to keep to myself for a while. I long for the day when being positive is benign and when it will not affect anyone, but until then it does have some negative aspects to it.
There is no right answer to this situation but if you are going to have sex, then common sense and my experience suggests several things to consider:
*If you want something more significant with them, and they are going to be right for you, telling them up front won’t stop the relationship from happening and they will respect you for having been courageously honest with them right away. If they reject you for your HIV status then any long-term thing is not going to work anyway –so get over them and move on. They are either not worthy of someone as great as you or at the very least, they are not as cool as they hopefully will be someday. You need someone who is cool with you now. Don’t beat yourself up over it or think you are worth anything less – trust me, there are lots of cool negative guys who are just fine with having hot, fun, wild, sex with positive guys and who are so comfortable with it that being safe does not impact their enjoyment of either you or the sex they are having with you.
*If you don’t want something significant with them and plan on never seeing them again (and if this suggests to you that discussing HIV is not in the cards), you should remember that they are still people and should be treated with respect. This means: choose to have safe sex with them. Silently protect them if you are not willing to talk about your status or if you choose to deny that you are positive (which many of us have done out of shame or fear). You will feel a lot better about yourself and about what you have done for them if you take the high road and play it safe – use a condom and have them use a condom. Not doing so leaves you at legal risk and leaves them vulnerable.
*Try to have a significant conversation about your status with them no matter how insignificant the sex might seem to be. It is too easy, without the conversation for both of you to assume the other is positive or negative. It will help both you, and them, come to terms with HIV and to be less judgmental about it. Possibly, they are positive too and in a similar position.
*In general, I like to tell them sooner rather than later – So these days, I put it in all my profiles “I’m positive” and it weeds out the men from the boys for me right away. If I meet them out, I like to tell them before they ask about it – I think that makes me better for it and lends respect to me and to the situation. I try to do that before we head to the bedroom since getting it out of the way earlier can stop any buzz kill from having to have such a conversation just when the action is starting. That pause and re-group in the bedroom can be a bit of a hotness deflater.
I hope this helps you all out a bit in your how to date/hook-up when positive. Here are some other articles that might be good for you to check out:
Peter Brook is the founder of BeOneCity.com - an international relationship/dating site, outsmarting HIV and promoting a global positive community. Peter lives in LA.